Why does it hurt so much? Why does LOVE hurt so much?

Can you remember how we met for the first time?

It was 4th May and I saw your name on my monitor and I asked myself:´What does that antique wants from me?´   I let you talk to me, I wanted to learn something in French and you taught me...Can you remember talking about fashion of 80th, about Marlene Dietrich, about my education, about psychology - you didnt believe I had exams from psychology....   You waited for me everyday but I didnt have so much time for you...you were sad for that but still patient ..I can remember how clumsily you asked for my photo....  You sent your one first, it is the one from Christmas time..I still have it in my Pc.... I asked you so many stupid questions about life, about searching a soul made directly for me..you made me laugh so many times when you started to analyze every word of me....You told me how you sang for 15 years, how you travelled through the world, about your relations, about hellicopters, about catalogues you made for your customers....5 days a week  we were together and talking and talking...You erased washing line in my picture in black tshirt, you  put your head instead puppy´s head I was keeping in my arms and you liked that place..  You sent me words of Vanese Paradis´s song Joe le Taxi....I knew all the words but I cant sing it for you...Joe le taxi ,y va pas partout, y marche pas au soda, son saxo jaune, connait toutes les rues par coeur...... And you were almost jealous when I asked you how to pronounce Xavier from this song ..

Can you remember how we quarelled for the first time?  I acussed you of wanting more from me than was possible - you told me I am afraid to take risk and make happy myself..I was frighten from feelings that started to grow in me, you told me to let them go....You wanted to hear me in mobile....I cant forget the day you called me.. It was 26th June, Saturday...I sat in the kitchen and writing reports for my pupils..I can say how your heart stopped when you heard me, you couldnt take a deep breath..when you talked to me your voice was nervous and English with French accent .... My heart jumped somewhere in my neck and I had butterflies in my stomach..  

You stayed with me a long time after your working time, you sent me French song that I wasnt able to put together so I listened 100 times to first part, then next 100 times second part - it was Tété- A la faveur de l´automne ... and I was happy for that and love that song........

On 30th June you told me about Salomé Anastazia ..your beautiful daughter - you sent me a pic of her and I cried...I cried because I was afraid you are married and you played with me all that time....but you werent and I admired you for how difficult it was for you to keep that secret inside of you ..... you were afraid I could break it all down..but I couldnt....You wanted to come to Slovakia and couldnt understand why didnt I give you a permission to do that.... I didnt know how to explain you I am a poor teacher paying her university studies that is permanently without money... but you didnt see this as a problem....so we started to plan your visiting at my cottage... Can you remember my plan of activities? we laughed on them for weeks...  You sent me a plan of your journey with your car.....via michelin.... can you remember how we talked about chocolate, about painting of my grandma´s gate...you lauhed at me and imagined colour spots on my face and arms..

I asked you so many times why do you live in France, you replied to ask your mother and gave me her phone number...so I tried but didnt reply and your mum tried it again and again....5 times a day!!!!   You laughed at me how crazy I am ...... You phoned me almost every day or sent me messages....I kept them all in my mobile....

Can you remember murmur game? You taught me all that sweet French phrases and I learnt them....e ce jusqu´á en perdre haleine when I remember them, mon ange...  we talked about nights, about dreams, thoughts - most of them were common for both of us.... you wanted to see sparks in my eyes, I wanted to feel your arms around me.. You phoned me with Salomé time to time - I was dreaming to clasp you both in my small arms but you kissed your baby instead of me  and I almost died not to do that personally....You knew that and advice me to be patient - 15th August will be soon here and you will come....

On 30th July you told me you love me... just said it.... ´je t´aime, mon ange ´was my answer and you almost jumped off your skin because you wanted to hear it in Slovak - Ľúbim ťa.....and you learnt it!!! I´v e never heard so cute ľúbim ťa....ever in my life !!!! Feelings grew every day stronger and stronger, I became sick when we werent together for more than 1 day.... I went to cinema for French movies, to the gym and for aerobic or cycling, to my café - you wanted to know this place, with my friends out - Arwena, Ivica...especially Arwena was important because I could send messages through her mobile...

And massage - no such a long arms to do that, but you described it to me - your oily hands on my back like atomic mushroom, loosing spirits....time to time I woke up at night because spirit connection was so strong that I almost hear your hearbeat at my side..and in the morning next day you told me the same without knowing that it happened to me the same way...

You wanted me to go with you to France, you searched for possibility to be together more than a week....We should talk about it in a week you should come....should come, but it didnt happen...A week before your arrival your Queen of the heart became ill...you were at Lyon, you called me from your car in the evening....we laughed because you trained your Slovak and it sounded so sweet - šťastie, ľúbim ťa... you told me how much you missed me and longed for the Sunday when we should finally meet ... On Thursday at midday you came to your office and we chatted...I cried like mad, I think I felt it was for the last time....your only words were how you love me and kiss me and you were hurry to be with Salomé in hospital...and I let you go asking for kissing her in my name..I am sure you did, like always...

On Saturday I got that terrible message that I dont have to wait for you :´Don´t wait for me.... Architect is like a machine..CRUEL.. I cant cry more´...you couldnt, I did it instead of you....My family, my friends thought I went mad.....I didnt understand what was happening until you call me and told me you were sick...the same way I was.... there wasnt your song only for me lying on my breasts, no massage of my back at night, no making love, no murmur, no touch, no kiss, no sight, no smile.....nothing....... My mobile stayed calm, without ringing, without envelope with your name.....

Today it is second week I heard your voice for the last time......too much pain and tears accumulate in me.....I cant tell you what is happening with me, I dont know what is happening with you....I live my life in doubts if you and Salomé are Ok, with the love I have inside of me but it cant be expressed....I keep it in me like many times before...it is so heavy, sometimes I feel like before explosion.....

I asked myself what was the reason for meeting you, falling in love with you, talking with you, knowing you......and I still cant give answers...why we were gifted with these sweet feelings when we couldnt be together? I told you I believe that over me there is someone that take care of my steps and leads me on my way....Will I be able to understand the things he did, do  and will do with me? Is it my will or will of somebody more powerful and stronger????

I dont know how to finish this monologue.... I am here like at the beginning : alone, sad, hopeless, unhappy, unable to make decision what will I do with my life...

What should I believe in?

Me? Architect? My heart? My brain?....

I dont know anymore......